If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
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DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun