[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
who did the taste test?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?