No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I laughed at this way too hard.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.