Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
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I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG