Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks