My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
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I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP