Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.