Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me irl
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.