If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous