If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.