Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.