I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
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[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
had to make it
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!