I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
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*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.