[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Cat.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.