I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
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[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
taking June’s advice to heart
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
for all #parents out there