Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now