WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.