Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.