My birth announcement for our third baby
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
So sick of all these stupid rules
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!