I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
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Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
huge valentines day plans this year!!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*Inspirational Tweets*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.