Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Solving a traffic jam
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Mad Max Arctic Road
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?