At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Breaking news:
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.