Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?