7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
You Might Also Like
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.