Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.