This may be my favorite dog video ever.
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.