My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!