3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
You Might Also Like
moms in horror movies
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
🤣🤣🤣
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
pizza
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf