receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Stick it to the man
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Reporter: *ports again*