[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.