Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
You Might Also Like
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”