Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
You Might Also Like
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”