December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Every BBC series about the universe.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again