Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Sunday
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.