[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Ummm
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The Others (2001)
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on