Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.