Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
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My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.