🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
You Might Also Like
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.