If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
WTF
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”