me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
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Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood