me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Vodka burrito was a success
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.