“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
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Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.