The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
it’s either covid or clever vampires
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything