Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Stick it to the man
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You’ll be OK
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Breaking news:
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…