Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
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Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
meow
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”