Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Um … Hot Wings please
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Easy enough.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.