Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
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12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
motivation
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.