Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It