#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.