Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
called in thicc to work this morning
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.